why didn't you poke me back
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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