Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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