I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
