8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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