I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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