She said her name was "party"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
