You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
