There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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