Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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