They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
