I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
