I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
