they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
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For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
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We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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