I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
