so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
