Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
