allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
