A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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