I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
