i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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