I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
