Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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