I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
