my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
