Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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