Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
