I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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