She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
