So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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