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yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
