Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
