He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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