I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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