New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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