There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
