I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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