I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
