The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
