hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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