after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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