Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?