my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
