And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.