Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me