No awkward lesbian experiences without me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i believe in u and ur pee
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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