You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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