He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
