Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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