Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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