I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
As shirtless as possible
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
