My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
