Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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