I could make wine with my vomit
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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