Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
