I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
