do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
