sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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